Common Marriage Killers #1

I’m going to explore the most common causes of divorce – marriage killers –  if you will, over the next several posts. I will also offer some advice on how to avoid them, and what to do about if/when they arise (whether past or future).

You need to know these are in no particular order; The first one we’ll talk about (and/or listed below) is not necessarily the most common or the most difficult to deal with. Some commentators claim that this or that is “the most common” or “number one” cause of divorce. But what is it… really?

I would suggest such claims are neither helpful or universally accurate. Each case is unique and there are too many variables to consider. Bedsides, you don’t feel like a winner if your marriage ended up in divorce for reason #2 versus #1.

So… in no specific order.

Money

Sex (as a weapon, withholding, demanding, too much, too little…)

Infidelity (more sex problems)

Lack of love and respect

Same gender friends (personal or work)

Excessive adoration (she/he completes me)

Misplaced life priorities (e.g., work, play activities, etc.)

Lack of an active faith life.

If you’re reading this and you’re a divorcee your story probably falls into one of the above categories, but we recognize the above list is not all inclusive. I am amazed at times at how creative people can be when it comes to destroying relationships, particularly when it comes to the marital relationship.

It can be a long and winding road full of dangerous curves. It is easy to look at everything I’ve said up to this point and think, “wow, this all sounds awful – how can I (we) ever avoid problems?” Well – there is hope.

It’s my wish that you will follow the next few posts discussing all of this and see how this all plays out. Ideally, Ideally, you will come away with some tools and ideas that will help you navigate the twisting road of your story without experiencing the wrecked life of a failed marriage.

In my next post I’ll step into all of this and look at how money can be a ‘marriage killer.’ Stay tuned.

There is hope. There is hope for each and every situation. I’ll get to each of them, but for now understand that there is a common denominator that underscores that hope… his name is Jesus.

Five Steps to Maturity

Some things get better with time: wine, whiskey, jeans, leather jackets, some cheeses, sex (according to some), and clay based teapots. The terminology used for these things is that they ‘mature‘ with age, and that they do so with absolute/universal certainty. Pretty much all cast iron skillets get better with time. It’s just a given.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could make the same kind of statement of fact about marriages? Sure, some do – but others don’t.

Many marriages (mine included) do improve and get better with age – the marriage relationship reaches a certain healthy level of maturity. But we cannot make that an absolute statement-of-fact about all marriages.

It’s a statistical fact that 38% (not 50% – that’s a myth) of marriages end in divorce. It is encouraging that Evangelical Christian couples who both actively attend and are fully engaged in the life of the church are 35% less likely to divorce.

What’s the secret sauce here?

There is not one-size-fits-all answer to marriage relationships… they’re all different. Each one is unique. But there are universal principles that help lead to long, healthy marriages – like:

1. God – make God the most important thing in each of your lives
2. Prayer – pray together, even if it’s just saying ‘grace’ together before meals
3. Cherish (love) your wife – wives need to feel cherished; feeling ‘cherished’ is the crux of feeling loved as a wife and valued as a person (if you don’t understand or know what that means check back here at a later date, I’m going to talk about that separately)
4. Respect your husband – husbands most feel loved when they feel respected, it’s purely a gender thing that makes a man feel like a man being loved by a woman. Note in this case (and #3 above), we’re not talking about sex here… that’s something else entirely.
5. Join a small group – as shown above, statistically speaking, couples who are involved are happier, healthier couples; small groups foster spiritual growth and maturity, which leads to better relationships (and better communications) in the marriage.

If you have never read Emerson Eggerichs’ book/study called “Love and Respect,” well, you should. Wives feel loved when they are cherished, which engenders respect for the husband, which makes him feel loved which makes him more likely to cherish his wife, which…. well, you get the idea. Read the book – it’s awesome.

You’re ultimately responsible for your relationship with God, which means you’re also responsible for making space for God’s in your marriage and your family. Becoming more spiritually mature is the secret sauce that will help your marriage get better with age… just like a cast iron skillet (just remember to keep it ‘seasoned,’ in this case, with God).

Blessings…

Balanced Life & Marriage Honors God

Children are a gift from God. There is nothing like the miracle of life, especially when you are responsible for creating (and raising) that beautiful baby.

In my last blog, I cautioned making your children the center of your life. By that, I mean the all-consuming focus of your life. Without ever intending to do so it creates an environment that is ultimately destructive to your marriage. That destruction will occur sooner or later (often later).

There is no contradiction here – the perspective that children are a gift from God and the caution against making your children the focus of your life (the thing that seems to “complete” you) are not exclusive of each other. Remember from the previous post that God should be at the center of your life and your marriage… not your children, your spouse, your job, and certainly not any of your material “stuff.”

Here is the other side of the coin though.

Children are a gift from God and (obviously – I hope) an integral part of your family dynamic on a daily basis. The idea the GOD should be at the center of your life and your marriage demands an appropriate amount of attention to and focus on your children are due. Neglecting your children’s needs (including – and perhaps especially – their spiritual needs) is counter to Christian-centered parenting.

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
     the fruit of the womb a reward.”
Psalm 127:3

Jesus placed an intense amount of importance on children.

“Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them,
for to such belongs the kingdom of God.”
Luke 18:16

What we should be looking for is balance. Without an appropriate amount of balance in our lives, all other areas will suffer.

That balance includes focusing time and energy on raising physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy children. Children should feel care for and about, and they should know the warmth of love from their parents. A challenge before us parents is they should also know and feel the warmth of God’s love. God created the institution of marriage and family – God designed us for marriage and family, and that we (including our children) should know and honor and worship God.

Train up a child in the way he should go; 
even when he is old
he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

Megan Bailey, at beliefnet.com, clearly lines out what this “training up” should look like:

“To bring a child up in the instruction of the Lord means parents should treat their children the way God treats us. As a Father, God is “slow to anger” (Numbers 14:18; Psalm 145:8), patient (Psalm 86:15), and forgiving (Daniel 9:9). His discipline is designed to bring us to repentance (Hebrews 12:6–11). His instruction is found in His Word (John 17:17; Psalm 119:97), and He desires that parents fill their homes with His truth (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).”

Children are precious. Children are a gift from God. Scripture gives us clear instructions with regard to our responsibilities to our children. Children require a due amount of time, attention, and focus. But prioritizing our children over our relationship with our spouse is wrong; and prioritizing our children over our (or their) relationship with God is wrong (e.g., Uhm, we can’t attend church as a family because our son/daughter has a sporting (or school, or whatever) event they have to be at…”).

Balance. Priorities. Focus.

Ensuring your children, your marriage/spouse, family, and yourself all center around God in balanced ways will help ensure healthy families and healthy marriages. Examine your priorities and make adjustments as necessary!

Unbalanced Marriages

God created the human body with innumerable awesome capabilities. One of those is the ability to finitely balance. Our ability to balance very precisely is how we are able to accomplish so many great things, ranging from slacklining to just getting through everyday life. Our ability to balance can cause to feel like we are moving even when we are still. Despite myths to the contrary, your big toe is not crucial to balance. But you may know that the inner ear does play an important role in balance. Your skin does as well (you probably did not know that). The human body’s abilities are truly incredible. Just a part of being made ‘imago dei’ (in God’s image).

But balance in our lives is far more than a physical thing. Balance is about how we live our lives, the time we spend doing the things we do (or not), the things that we focus on (or not), and the things we deem important (or not). Perhaps most important is the priority that we assign to people, places, and things in our lives. The priority given to noun things affects all the other aspects of a balanced life, particularly when it comes to family.

Children are a gift from God. Those of who are blessed to have them truly are blessed. As such, it is important that we pour a lot of time and energy into care for and raising our kids. A case can quite easily be made for the idea that failing to spend enough time doing so is the crux of many of contemporary society’s current problems.

Oddly enough, going to far overboard in doing so can create its own set of problems. Those problems can manifest in our own personal lives, as well as the lives of our children as they grow and their ‘personhood’ is molded by their family-of-origin.

Making your children the center of your life, the center around which your core as a person revolves, can be unhealthy psychologically for both you and your children. It also creates relational problems.

Making the children the focus of your life is detrimental to your marriage. In short, your kids should not be more important than your marriage.

Before you start emailing me or heading to the comments section to call me out, please hear me out. I am not suggesting neglecting your children. What I am asking you to consider is balance. Is there a healthy balance between the important parts of your life… your marriage. Love and care for your children, but not to the exclusion of and at the expense of your marriage (i.e., your spouse). Balance dictates the perspective that they are all important – none more than the other.

You cannot put your kids before your marriage or everyone in the family will suffer and your marriage may implode and the children you spend so much time focusing on will suffer as a result.

Children are important and they need a lot of your attention, focus, and time. But if that is the all-consuming part of your life – whether by the husband or the wife – it is pretty much a sure bet you are neglecting your spouse and your marriage as a whole.

There must be balance.

Is your life, your marriage, out of balance by pouring way too much time and attention out on your kids? That’s a question that only you can answer – but it is a fair question to ask, and one that you should ask.

Josh Reich is the lead pastor of Revolution Church in Tucson, AZ, and he is the author of a great book called Breathing Room: Stressing Less & Living More. Pastor Josh wrote an excellent blog that can help you try to answer that question about your children. Check it out here.

Life is about balance (not the physical kind, the mental, practical, everyday focus-centric kind). Find balance and you are far more likely to have a happy, successful, God-honoring life and marriage.

Blessings…

By the way, that’s world-renowned Faith Dickey, 25, in the photo above highlining (slacklining way up in the air) above a canyon in heels. She’s also done it in cowboy boots, barefoot, etc. You can learn more about this daredevil and record-breaker female athlete at ThatSlackLineGirl.

Spy…. Pastor… Husband

By now, you would have to have been living under a rock not to have heard of Pastor Andrew Brunson and his imprisonment in Turkey and now release to return the U.S.  Pastor Brunson, a pastor in the Evangelical Presbyterian Church, led a small church of about 25 people in Turkey, and have served there (in Turkey) for over two decades.

I want to take a brief moment to thank the president and his administration for their work in securing his release. May God bless them for their efforts on behalf of Pastor Brunson.

If you were inclined to dig into the details of the accusations against him you’d find a story that – if the Turkish government’s claims were true – sounds more like a ‘Mission Impossible’ movie plot than true life. Claims of secret spies, coups, clandestine meetings, counterinsurgency, and more.

It actually is stranger than fiction… not to mention utterly ridiculous. If the good pastor was/is a spy for anyone it’s for God (not the U.S. government). We should all aspire to God’s secret (or even not-so-secret) agents! To quote one of my favorite movies, I don’t saying “I’m on a mission from God.”

“Where does the strength come from?
“

Considering how strange his story is, it may not seem too strange to find inspiration for marriage, family, and God in the long and winding road that is his story.

For example, how many of us can honestly say our marriages can stand up to the assault on the pastor’s marriage by the enemy (Satan – not Turkey)? I can tell you when a husband (or a wife) serves as a pastor, the wife (or husband) is, to a large extent, serving in ministry as well alongside their spouse. On a tangible level, it is inspiring to see marriages like the Brunson’s exhibit the Christian fortitude and support of each other to not only move halfway around the world to serve but to stand strong in the face of persecution the way it has for the past two or so years. The mutual love and support between Pastor Andrew and Norine clearly have for each other.

Some might ask: “Where does that strength come from?”  While your spouse may not be called to serve in ministry (or to move you to a foreign Mulsim country), most marriages do experience tensions that the enemy uses to try to tug us apart. It is not too unfair to say that the strength comes from love. Fair enough.

However, whether you’re the Brunsons or anyone else, that strength (and love) comes from and is rooted in faith in God. It also comes from the perspective that marriage is a God-ordained covenantal agreement far more enduring than a piece of paper signifying a legal agreement (i.e., a marriage license). Those two things create bands around the marriage/family that can flex (which is bound to happen in all marriages) but not break.

Andrew and Norine Bruson provide a classic example of how faith in God can secure our marriage, secure our freedom, and solidify our eternity through a steadfast, resolute commitment to each other and to God.

Aside from cacophony of media reporting on the case, I invite you to cut through the noise and simply draw on the Brunsons for inspiration in our your lives and how you can live for God, better love and commit to each other – despite whatever accusations the enemy may throw your way, despite whatever lies may be tugging at the bands of your marriage and family now or in the future.

May God bless Pastor Andrew Brunson, Norine Brunson, and their three children… and you and your family as well!

Blessings….

 

Photo by Craig Whitehead

Covenant or Contract?

In my “former life” (how I refer to my secular career prior entering ministry 3 1/2 years ago), I led the technical side of the North America sales team for a global software company. We (they… ) provide specialized software solutions to the world’s largest corporations. Sales, in that environment, is a pursuit that often involves more than a year’s worth of work with the goal, ultimately, of the customer signing a contract (for a lot of money – or that’s the hope).

A contract is a legal agreement between two parties that contains very specific language describing exactly what each side will (or won’t) do. If either side fails to provide or perform those things the contract is in default and can be terminated by other signee. In other words, potentially… you didn’t to ‘this’ or ‘that,’ so I’m out of here.

Sadly, that’s how we sometimes view marriage. If this perspective sounds appealing to you, you can even go one step further and write an actual legal marriage agreement (a contract) and force, or ask :), your spouse-to-be to sign prior to the wedding. You can download free ‘marriage contract’ templates of various types on the Internet for this purpose. One common form of those, for people who have a lot of money/assets (unlike me) and want to make sure they hang on to them (in the case of marital implosion), is the prenuptial agreement (“prenup”). Marriage contracts can be more general as well though.

May I suggest that such ‘legal agreements’ are un-Biblical and un-Christian. I’m not making a judgement about whether such legal instruments are or aren’t necessary to protect one’s financial assets (assuming you have significant assets to protect). What I am talking about is how you view the foundation and basis of your marriage with your husband or wife. You have three options:

1. I view my marriage as a legal contract/agreement between me and my spouse; if it doesn’t work out, I am (i.e., my “stuff” is) legally protected
2. My marriage just is – I’ve never really thought about it much, other than perhaps informal agreement that the state requires a license for; if it doesn’t work out, that state/county can help me terminate it…
3. I have a covenantal marriage rooted in God’s Word

There really isn’t much difference between #1 and #2. Approaching marriage with the “it just is” is unwisely leaving your marriage to chance. We may be tempted, many times, to approach marriage as a ‘contract,’ that viewpoint simply feels cold and unloving. Neither of those things are what marriage is all about. Having a ‘marriage license’ from the circuit clerk’s office satisfies the legal require for the state to recognize the marriage, but it is the covenant promise before God that seals the marriage.

Both husband and wife having the perspective that marriage is a Biblically defined – God ordained – “covenantal marriage” provides your best opportunity for a happy, lifelong marriage. Does that guarantee you will always be happy and everything will be sunshine and roses? Absolutely not. Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble.” Jn 16:33.

The only appropriate way to view marriage is to believe with your heart, mind, and soul that it is a covenant made before the God of the universe. If you do so, you are putting God at the center of your marriage, not your own sense of happiness or entitlement.

“A Biblically defined – God ordained – ‘covenantal marriage‘ provides your best opportunity for a happy, lifelong marriage.
“

     We see the word “covenant” in the Bible many times, especially in the Old Testament. A covenantal agreement (or promise, if you will) is a deeper level of agreement than a contract. In this case, the agreement isn’t just between husband and wife, but is a promise to each other – and to God – that you will love and respect each other, putting the other person’s needs above your own. Covenants are unconditional; they aren’t conditional on the other person doing something (anything) that makes them deserving of your favor. God doesn’t do that with us, and we shouldn’t do that with our spouses.

You simply love without living under the threat of your spouse terminating the ‘agreement’ because the other party didn’t live up to the terms of it.

If you’re having trouble getting to that space, perhaps we should have a conversation about how the program at First Christian Church can help you and your spouse get back to that place.

Blessings…..

P.S., for help with your marriage, I can provide counseling, or answer questions about or enroll you in re|new marriage enrichment; call me at 217.875.3350, or email me for more information.

Screen or me?

Back in November Pope Francis chastised Catholic priests and bishops for snapping pictures with their smart phones during mass (do you suppose Catholic Bishops Snapchat?). That wouldn’t seem to be a difficult conversation; the inappropriateness would seem obvious. Their attention should be on worship.

How often do we similarly rob time from our spouse (or our family in general) when we should’t?

Those who know me well know I’m am a technology geek at heart. My first college degree was in ‘Electronics’ and all of my secular career was spent in the software/IT field. I love electronics stuff! If it has an on/off button and plugs into the wall or on batteries, I’m immediately drawn to it. It is also why I have been involved with the Internet long before it was a household word. It is part of how God wired me. So, like most people nowadays, I can easily spend hours staring at the 5.5″ Full High Definition (FHD) screen on my iPhone 7 Plus.

“How often do we rob time from our spouse?

“

But you do not have to be a tech geek like me to daily fall into the habit of giving your cell phone more attention than you bless your spouse with. It is a trap for anyone. It is like electronic meth. You are addicted from from the word go.

I am not making light of drug addiction (one of the enemy’s favorite tools he uses to destroy lives). But it is also fair to say that the enemy will use whatever tool is at hand (literally) to destroy marriages. Some, though, behave as though they are married to their cell phone. It is electronic adultery.

I am, of course, using a bit of hyperbole – but not much. I have seen it in action. It communicates to your spouse that whatever is going on inside that piece of plastic, glass, and metal is more important than they are (at least at that moment).

Is technology bad? Are cell phones evil? No, and no. 

What I am really getting at is that we need to find balance in our lives – especially our married life. I would invite you just to pay attention (no irony intended here) to how much time, when you and your husband/wife are together, you spend focusing your attention on your phone compared to how much time you spend focusing on your spouse and your family.

I am not suggesting you shove your cell phone down the garbage disposal – just that intentionally set it down and then intentionally spend time focusing on your family.

Balance… we are looking for balance. Perhaps even tipping the scale at least a little more towards your spouse than the phone.

All relationships are centered around communications. Good communications – good relationship; bad communications – bad relationship. It really is that simple.

It is a general truth that the longer a couple is married, the less they tend to communicate. Communications tend to center around just getting through the busyness of daily life. What is/are today’s problems? What about the kids sports schedule? This  thing or that thing is going on or coming up at the school. This bill is overdue. The car is making a funny sound. We have this or that activity coming up at church. These are the things that occupy our attention and our communications. Deeper discussion takes a back seat to busyness talk.

“The longer we are married, the less we tend to communicate.
“

Many things vie for you time and attention – but more and more it is our cell phone (texts, games, email, Pinterest, FaceBook, this or that app (there are apps for everything!!!)).

So here is my suggestion… take an honest (and I mean honest) look at how much time you spend staring at your phone in contrast to how much time you spend looking into the face and soul of your soul mate. Again, I am not asking you to chuck your phone, but don’t let it become more important than your God ordained covenantal marriage partner.

Find balance!

Blessings…

I’ve lost that loving feeling…

I’ve lost that loving feeling – sort of. I have a condition called ‘small nerve fiber neuropathy.’ That’s a fancy medical term that basically means I have pain and limited feeling in my feet at times. Feeling is important. God gave us ‘feeling’ as one of our five senses as an early warning system. A lack of feeling can be dangerous.

On the other hand, we might say something like “you hurt my feelings” and it means something completely different. One type of feeling is physical and the other is heart related. But it is well-known that there is an intimate connection between the our physical world and our emotional world; or, you might say, between the head and the heart. Researchers believe that both types of “feeling” occur in the same area of the brain. Why does all this matter?

Welcome – come along on a journey…

There are few things more important in our lives than our marriage.

Marriage is easy and hard at the same time. Marriage is ups and downs (those transitions, one way or the other, sometimes happen quickly). Marriage is full or joy – and sometimes full of frustration. But we often loose sight of the fact that marriage is sacred.

That’s purpose of this blog:  to help remind us where God, our Christian faith, plays a role in our marriages and our families.

 

I hope to bring God advice and clarity to where scripture provides guidance and support for being a wife, a husband, and a family.

I also plan to bring practical advice and guidance on everyday living as a couple in a living a God-honoring marriage, as well as practical ideas and tools for dealing with relationships.

I have been happily (successfully) married for 38 years, but most people would agree that’s no guarantee of anything, but it does afford me some valuable life lessons and unique perspectives I hope to be able to share. Also, I currently hold an M.A. in Ministry Specializing in Pastoral Care and Counseling. That basically means I come at counseling from a Christ-centered perspective. So, besides checking out this blog – feel free to contact me for an appointment if I can help with anything you are dealing with (good or bad).

I hope you join me on this journey, you never know where the track might lead us; in any case, I hope we can learn a thing our two from each other!

Blessings…

Care Ministries Pastor